Readers’ Realizations

What are some things YOU realized after you got married?  

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30 thoughts on “Readers’ Realizations”

  1. **I LOVE having two bathrooms in the house and air conditioning. (I only had one bathroom and grew up with no A/C until I married). **He does not really like to sleep next to me, I make him sweat. So no spooning. *He is not a hugger, so hugging him is like hugging your pillow, you get to do the hugging but no arms wrapping tight around you. **And the passionate kissing was for sure a dating thing and after we married somehow my breath starting smelling bad? :o) **He found out I have a flash temper and can really go on a tyraid when I lose it (Cussing Ain’t fit is what he calls it). **Oh and let’s not forget, the thing everyone faces, the family. His and mine. They should teach kids in school, if you like the person, do some family research. Spend time with the whole family at gatherings. It can save years of aggrevation and arguements! (My husband and I were talking last night about most of our “issues” stem from my family conflicts). **You will never get another tax refund to spend anyway you like. **You always have to check and make sure that the other person has not already made palns for you before you can agree to going somewhere, so no spontaneous nights out. **And I DO NOT like it at all if he has to sleep on the couch (snoring or back ache). *He found out that if we are having an “argument”/discussion, there will be no sleeping until it is resolved, no going to sleep angry. **The Best Thing we both found out was how much we love to do things together. We even started our own business together that he enjoys as much as I do. We sell fragrance oils and diffusers at festivals and on the web. **Oh and we always talk about when/if we are going to have intimate time together daily (unless we have company). That way neither of us has to feel obligated to “be on” in the bedroom if we are really tired, headachy or not in the mood. Plus then we do not have to wonder if the other person is “mad, hurt or does’t find me attractive anymore”. I feel this along with talking about spending money before you actually spend it are two things that all couples can do to prevent un-needed stress. Thanks for putting this page here and I am copying you. I am gonna have an about you page for people to leave me stories realted to the Personal Power Coaching and energy work I perform and teach. Thank you for a fabulous idea!!! AmberLena (My husband and I have been married for 18 years, by the way.)

    • You are welcome 🙂 I like hearing other couples experiences too, particularly from couples who are in different stages of their relationship (awesome to hear that you have been married for 18 years)!

      Thanks so much for the detailed response! “”He found out that if we are having an “argument”/discussion, there will be no sleeping until it is resolved, no going to sleep angry”” <—yup, mine realized this too. Which is why we try NOT to get into an argument or discussion, unless it's at least 2 hours before our bedtime!! 😀

  2. Something that I realized about myself once I got married:

    I used to be the type of person that when something was really a bother to me I would start packing my bags. I had the mind frame that “I’m not married to you and I don’t have to take this crap.” I’ve done it to my husband when we were still boyfriend and girlfriend and to ex’s on numerous occasions. This sometimes would either bring a realization that you don’t really want to live without the person or it would escalate to an even bigger argument.

    But ever since I got engaged, this little act that I used to pull just disappeared. Actually, I believe this is for the best because I do feel more secure in my situation and it has taught me to not be as irrational as I once was.

    Actually, when I think about it, since I got engaged there was no real reason to act like that because my husband stopped doing anything (even though the times that this sort of thing would happen with me and my husband was a lot less frequent compared to with my ex’s) that would make me want to pack my bags. There were times where we fought, but never to the point where I went to the closet to pack. Perhaps the effect was similar to my husband once he got married as well?

    I’m guessing that we both know what each other’s boundaries are and we also know that at the end of the night we are going to be sharing that bed, so we know better than to cross eachother boundaries.

    • Good for you and your husband for doing that 🙂 Also, good for you for not needing to “pack up and leave” anymore, especially if in retrospect you have a pretty good marriage! I think that when people get married, they usually think twice about “packing their bags and just leaving”, no matter how intense the fight is, compared to those who are not married (because as you say people who are not married don’t have to put up with this)! The commitment made to each other for better or for worse is a reminder (although what’s considered “worse” varies for each person)…. . I too am normally the type of person to run in the opposite direction at the first signs of conflict (b/c in my head I can’t believe we are fighting over this issue, although never sure how we got to this point), but then I remember that it is the heat of the moment that is causing all these negative feelings and that it will eventually pass….and that overall, we do have a great relationship!. Whoever said marriage requires perseverance, patience, understanding and forgiveness was sure right! 😮

      Thanks for sharing your story! 🙂

    • I’ve felt exactly the same, some nights when we have both been tired and tetchy I’ve thought urgh if it were anyone else I’d be gone by now! But this time I won’t because we are married… And I married him because I want to be with him through the good and the bad and I want to work through silly little arguments -unlike the exs. It does make you feel more secure, it wasn’t until I read your comment that it clicked into place 🙂

      • I think it’s normal to have those thoughts on occasion. Granted, not everyone married couple does, but I bet it has crossed a lot of peoples’ minds. (And it is totally resassurring and comforting to know that you are not alone as you point that)…. :0 I think a lot of couples fear that if they are fighting then it means that they are not meant to be together and they should just call it quits, but every couple goes through these crappy moments and usually come out of it (often times stronger than before). That’s what committment is—-you’re committed to your other half for better or for worse. Now of course, if your spouse doesn’t treat you well then that’s a whole different story, but I don’t sense that you are in that situation. 🙂

        Thanks for sharing your story!

  3. Your blog is lovely 🙂 I love your positivity through it- too many people complain about their spouses!
    I think the biggest thing I realised after getting married is that society has a very confused view of marriage. Lots of people think it isn’t ‘until death’ although that is what they promised, and is only until you don’t feel like it any more. Other views are that it will always be a honeymoon, or that it is something to complain about all the time, which makes me wonder why they got married in the first place?!
    Marriage needs a lot of selflessness, and putting the other person first. I love being married to my best friend, it’s awesome 🙂

    • Thank you so much for the positive words and for sharing your perspective! 🙂 I definitely wanted this blog to be productive and not turn into a “venting” session about marriage, and I’m so glad that it comes across!

      P.S. I love your last statement! 🙂

  4. I really like your blog and you definitely deserved the award, congrats!! As to things I found out after I got married, well, we married after only one and a half years of knowing each other, thus there were loads of things to dicover left. He tends to sleep in the tube when on his way home from partying with his buddies. This way he crisscrosses the city several times until someone (usually the conductor himself) wakes him up mercifully. It happens once a year or so but still it somehow freaks me out knowing he’s out there fully asleep all alone. Also he is hopeless with money. I am the financial minister of this marriage, which challenged me into being good with money (never been good with it, just developed this trait recently). But on the other hand I discovered that he is endlessly patient. None of my moodswings freaks him out, ever. He is so comforting and nice and always knows what to say and do to make me feel so much better. He would do anything for me except for letting me win at any board game. He is as competitive as I am which is why we developed the Board Game Masters (the one that wins three out of five is the champion and get to dance a winner’s dance). And I love to notice on a daily basis that we still enjoy spending time with each other.

    • Thanks for sharing your story! 🙂 My husband and I are also competitive, although he says he acts competitive just to rile me up!! 😀

      I love your last statement!

      P.S. Falling into a deep sleep on the subway would freak me out too! I can’t even imagine how it must feel when someone you know succumbs to that!

  5. thank you! great idea for the blog 🙂
    and just a little note from my side:
    marriage I am talking about is me (Latvian) and him (American) and we did it 😉 on August 29th 2009 in Riga (capital of Latvia) – just registration office and my family and friends 🙂
    My biggest realization is that – we do change! For years I believed that our characters are set at around 18-20 years old and nothing will make us change after 🙂 well, The Thing that actually change your is getting married 🙂 will try to come back later to share how it has changed me (and him) if you don’t mind? with greetings from Tunisia, Signe

  6. I super love your blog! Just like you, I got married just recently – in 2009. I also realized a lot of things after I got married. Your blogs are so enlightening and very encouraging! I can totally relate to most of the realizations that you posted! 🙂

    Keep up the great work! All the best!

  7. It is better and harder than I imagined, and I thought it would be great but hard. I love being married, and I’ve realized that I was meant to be married all along. I wish I was married earlier but realize that I married at just the time I was supposed to.

  8. I really like your posts. We got married a year ago and everyone keeps asking me “has anything changed”. “Do people really need to get married anymore?”- a sentiment that seems to echo through with a lot of our friends- we seem to be the only ones married! This new phenomenon- my age group of 30 somethings not giving marriage a shot- makes me feel really alone. So it is wonderful to hear from friends or from strangers that we are not alone.
    what has changed? I am learning. but my 1 year tip is to not let the 10% blues (and all the actions and reactions that come with that) ruin a 90% good thing.

    • There does seem to be a cynical vibe that surrounds marriage. It could be because some relationships after marriage do really go downhill (not sure why, but that would make for an interesting post). But then again, there also seems to be a lot of naive thinking going into mariage–that it’s going to be great all the time etc and that is unrealistic too…… I kinda feel that these two extremes misguides people about marriage….Marriage does have it’s 10% crap (or blues) moments, but you’re right, 90% of the time it’s great, so why let 10% overshadow the 90%??!

      Thanks so much for your stopping by and commenting! 🙂

  9. Things I realized after I got married……..
    I got the better end of the deal when I asked him to marry me.I could talk him into anything back then.If I had to do it all over again I would ask him again.
    He taught me all men are not bad.Some a really good and he is great.
    It is more fun to cuddle on the couch you bought on time for twenty dollars than it is in the back seat of his Impala.
    Fighting goes away after you figure out who is going to make the bed in the morning.Easy, who ever gets up last.That took us ten years.
    Money doesn’t make happiness,love does.Some of our most memerable moments were when we didn’t have a cent to our name.
    I guess the old saying just because there is snow on the roof top doesn’t mean there isn’t fire in the furnace is true.I always wondered what that meant and now I know.
    It helps if you have the same faith.For years we went to different churches.We never had any kids for seven years and after they started coming I bit the bullet and went to his.We worship the same God so it wasn’t that hard.
    Raising the kids and playing good cop bad cop with him was our forte.I was always the bad cop cause he didn’t have it in him.
    We never let the families divide us.We were the new family and they had to conform to what we saw in each other.
    I realized I have someone that always makes sure my needs are first and he will protect me from anything.
    We now love our grandkids and we never thought we could love anything as much as each other and our kids.
    Marriage is a gift from God and it has to be worked at.People give up on it to easily now and it gets better and better.If you don’t believe me just ask my husband.He will tell you whatever I tell him to.
    God’s blessings to anyone that reads this.

  10. It’s kind of funny that I found your blog after googling “realizing you don’t like the person you married” Needless to say I’m a little over a year into my marriage and well marriage is definitely an aquired taste. Growing up I didn’t think I’d get married or if I did it wouldn’t be necessarily for love. After experiencing my parents toxic marriage I refused to subject myself to such a difficult life. Well adulthood came around, I fell in love with a good person which I thought was enough but now after living under the same roof for over a year I realize I may not like who this person is. A lot of that has to do with his family. They just aren’t the type of people I’d like to keep as company. This wouldn’t be an issue if my husband was up for standing OUR ground but because of his “family oriented nature” (which you’d think was a good thing) now its more me appearing to be a grumpy wife who wants to keep their son/sibling away. After that can of worms opened up with his family I just started to see other characteristics in my spouse that I don’t like. What I most dislike is the awkwardness that has become a regular state for us. There are topics that are off limits to avoid a heated arguement, we both have to kind of censor ourselves from the things we share with each other because we seem to disagree with almost everything. So as a woman the fantasy of having prince charming to save the day, or comfort me, or say the right thing when I need him too is just far from my reality. I do believe in marriage and I do believe in love. This rough moments have left me confused about our relationship. On top of that I have anxiety disorder which makes it so much more difficult to discern what my limits are and how far I should go to try to make this marriage work. So finding your blog has given me some hope. But I don’t expect an ideal ending to this story. I just want to find a way to know if this is something worth fighting for or should we just realize we’re not compatible. He’s a good guy, which I thought was enough for a lifetime, but now I’m highly questioning if he’s the right guy. Is there such thing as the right guy, or is marriage something that somehow works out if you stick it through? Ugh but his family…..lets just say they are the debbie downers kind of attitude people. Any words of advice/encouragement….anything lol. I’ve reached levels of desperation.

    Kind Regards,

    SHTF wife.

    P.S. please forgive any typo’s incorrect grammer, this was all written in a venting moment.

    • Hi Mimi,

      Thanks for commenting and sharing your story.

      My husband is a family oriented guy too, and you are right, that is great quality to have. But the one thing your husband needs to keep in mind is that you are his new family—he left his parental unit to create a new family with his wife. Sometimes it’s hard for spouses to loosen that connection with their parents and siblings. It could also be that his parents/ siblings have a strong influence on him. I would ask questions about why he isn’t standing up to his family for you without blaming. Cite examples and ask what happened in the situation. Again, by asking him (versus blaming him) you might gain some insight into why he is behaving the way he did. A lot of times it is misunderstading on both parts. You can also both then air out your feelings and come to some sort of resolution. Be mindful though, that even if you do come to a resolution, it will take time before you / him are successfully able to apply it ….Rome wasn’t built in a day! (This is a post I wrote about a while back, which is so true!)

      You and your husband definitely though need to talk about hot button issues, even if it may lead to a heated argument. If you don’t talk about these issues, they will build up and build up, until one day one of you will explode and everything will come out. If you feel that you two can’t seem to talk about these issues without getting into an argument, then I would suggest meeting with a neutral party (e.g. a priest, or counsellor, someone you trust) who can help you air out your issues in a respectful way and neutral environment.

      I am similar to you, in that I believe in fairytales and prince charming and my husband being my night in shining armor! Your husband probably has a lot of good qualities, but when you focus on the few negative ones, it’s easy to then only think of his negative traits and lose sight of his positive traits. It’s called snowball thinking (I did a post on this too a while back) and can be problematic if going in the negative direction only. Can you think of positive qualities your husband posseses? You might be surprised to learn that there are a lot of good things about him too, that perhaps got overshadowed by the few negative qualities.

      I don’t know if there is such a thing as the right guy for you in marriage. I think there are lots of right guys (also lots of wrong guys) and you chose one of them and now you want to have a strong marriage with him. It takes work unfortunately, for some couples and that’s OK. After all, you are two completey different individuals who come from two different upbringings trying to start a life together and that’s not easy! If you keep looking for the right one, the search becomes endless. (You would keep running everytime you hit a snag in our relationship!) I’m not saying though that you should live in a mediocre marriage or settle, but I kinda think that perhaps you did marry a good guy, who doesn’t mean to hurt you. You too said several times you husband is a good guy, and that’s a good sign. If he is a good guy, he probably has good intentions. Sometimes men have good intentions but are completely clueless on how to convey their well-meaning intentions—they say and do stupid things. Is your husband one of these guys? In other words, he means well, but he doesn’t realize that what he doing is hurting you? Maybe he has no idea that by him not standing up to his family, he isn’t helping his new family (him and his wife). Maybe there is something about you that is making him not want to act a certain way. I’m not sure. Also, if your husband is a good guy, then most likely he wants to make things better too in your relationship, but doesn’t know how. This is where an honest heartfelt discussion helps.

      I would also suggest that at some point you and your husband should have a conversation that asks of each other: Why did I get married? What changed in our relationship since we got married? How did we deal with this change? Is there any way we can make things better? It would be interesting to hear your husband’s response to these questions—maybe he feels certain things and is behaving a certain way for a reason you are totally unaware of. Sometimes it helps to ask questions to your spouse in order to gauge where they are coming from.

      Bottom line, I feel you need to talk to your husband, or seek the help of a counsellor who can help you two talk with each other. (Don’t be embarassed at all that you are seeking help—sometimes it’s better to be proactive (make things better in your relationship before they get worse) than reactive.) Finally, I would recommend the book, Have A New Husband by Friday by Kevin Leeman. It gives you some insight into men ….my husband feels that this is a great book for understanding husbands. It also helps you to understand the difference between a good husband who has good intentions but is just clueless vs. a husband who really doesn’t care about his family / wife. There is a big difference between these 2 types of husbands, and reading this book may help give you some clarity in your marriage.

      Hope this helps and best of luck. 🙂

  11. I realised after I got married (2009) that I finally felt at ease with what I have. He’s my safe haven and my rock where I have anchored. Before him, well I traveled the world, Lived in several countries and was always on the way to get to greener pastures.
    No need anymore, I am home with him.

    The thing is I never wanted to get married. Never saw the need. (my parents were de-facto, which is normal here) Yet after 9 months together I just knew I wanted to be married to this guy. I wanted to stand up in front of the world and announce that we are a couple. I wanted to call him my husband and knowing that he is makes me totally proud.

  12. I am so glad you stopped and commented on my blog because I might not have otherwise found you. I have a bit more mileage than you on the marriage thing (married eleven years) – it wasn’t always smooth, sometimes downright rocky but we have stuck it out in ways that I might not have, had I not been legally married (this from a girl who didn’t really care about getting married to begin with). During an interview about her husband George, Olivia Harrison was asked what her secret to a long marriage was (George Harrison had notoriously strayed from time to time). Her answer: Stay married. And I implicitly knew what she meant. It takes two to give and take, to rock the boat, to take romance to new heights, to appreciate the mindless routines, in short – to make a marriage work in a way that would suit two people who come from different experiences, expectations and bathroom habits.
    I wish you a lot of luck and picture you wrinkly and frail, on a rocking chair, still holding hands with your husband a hundred years from now

    • Thanks for sharing your story and for your words of wisdom and even Olivia Harrison’s words of wisdom. 🙂 I fully agree that it takes two to in a relationship for anything to happen. However, it’s often so hard to see how you may contribute in a negative way to your relationship; so much easier to just see your partner’s negative contribution and your positive contribution! (I’m guilty of this!) And it is definitely challenging when you come from different experiences, expectations and omg bathroom habits! This is why “two becoming one” is so much harder than it may seem!! :0

      Congrats on 11 years and for many more to come. 🙂 And, thank for your kind words!

  13. I’m newly married – just passed 6 months! When I researched our wedding service, I read everything I possibly could to try and find words that had real meaning for me. I didn’t want to promise the standard things, without really feeling they were meaningful to our relationship. We promised to “always speak the truth in love” and to support each other through “all the changes of our lives”. I really liked these wordings, and they have really rung true in our marriage so far. Both sets of parents have been married their whole lives – his for 50 years this year, mine for 40 years. So we come from a history of keeping marriages working. I think this was one of the deciding factors for me in choosing him. I knew that both of us came from households that had had their ups and downs, but with parents who had stuck through everything. It gives me hope that we will do the same.

    Every day I look forward to him coming home, so that we can be together. I don’t need much from him – just to be! It’s a wonderful feeling.

  14. Well, I’ve been married seven whole months now (LOL), and one thing I’ve realized is the depth of commitment one makes when he or she makes the choice to wed.

    Yeah I know, commitment, duh, we’ve all heard that a million times. But it’s different when you actually experience it. It becomes less abstract in a way.

    There are just certain opportunities that are no longer available to you. For example, I’m an English teacher and as a single woman, I could have made the choice to teach English in a foreign country. Who knows. This is something that could be a marvelous experience, etc. But since I’m married, this doesn’t really fly. I can’t just pack up and go when I’ve made that commitment.

    I guess my point is that as people, we chose marriage over other things.

    • You are absolutely right. Everyone know that when you get married you are making a committment to another person for the rest of your life. But actually understanding the enormity and responsibility of your decision only happens after marriage. It’s true what they say–experience does make a difference! I also find that committment (and the phrase for better or for worse) totally takes on a whole new meaning when you face a challenege in your marriage!! It tests you!!

      I also know what you mean by choosing marriage over other things. I think a lot of times people have a certain vision and plan for the things they want to do and then all of a sudden they meet someone and their plans (priorities?) can change. They get engaged, get married, have kids etc. My life too changed in a way I didn’t foresee when I met my husband. For a long time, I looked back and felt that I chose marriage over going away to grad school in my case, but I don’t feel that way anymore. There are things (career related btw) that I am pursuing that I never thought I would and it is way more fulfilling than grad school is for me. Plus, I have a support system in place (aka my husband) that I never ever had before….. So you never know where your choice to get married may lead you. It could mean that you pack your bags with your husband and head overseas in the future, or it may mean that you end up pursuing something totally different, but more rewarding (career or family oriented) down the road. It may take a while though before you see how things unfold and that is the most frustrating part!! 😮

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