1 May

Realization #59: Love Is…

Posted by Things You Realize After You Get Married in Marriage, Relationships. Tagged: , , , .

A lot of people when asked the question, “what is love?” don’t really know how to answer it. I am no different. I am not sure what love is sometimes. I know what it feels like, but that’s about as far as I can wrap my head around it.

When I was younger, I used to love reading a short little cartoon in the newspaper called “Love Is…” For those of you familiar with this cartoon, you’d know that you don’t really “read” this cartoon, rather you “look” at it; the cartoon rarely has more than 10 words to it! (On a side note, the cartoon was created by New Zealand cartoonist Kim Casali in the 1960′s, and these were her love notes to her husband Robert Casali.) Everyday a new cartoon would be published in the newspaper and I couldn’t wait to see what love was going to be on that day. At the time, I thought love was what this cartoon said it was and let’s just say I couldn’t wait to be in love!! :D

Now that I am older and wiser and am in love, I still feel that this cartoon has hit the nail on the head in its depiction of love. Love is not one thing in particular. It encompasses many things. It reveals itself in words and in actions. In my marriage, there are many things my husband has said and done that reveals his love for me, but the moment that always stands out in my mind is captured perfectly in this little cartoon below:

 

29 Mar

Realization #58: I’m A Great Wife? Really?

Posted by Things You Realize After You Get Married in Marriage, Relationships. Tagged: , , , , , .

There are some things you know in your relationship, that you don’t need to have spelled out to you. For instance, I know I’m the better baker in our relationship, while my husband knows he’s the better gardener. Sure he can bake and I can garden, but we all know deep down that I over water (or forget to water) anything I plant, and that he thinks that grilling is a viable method in baking. After I saw my molten cakes get scorched right before my very own eyes, I realize that grilling and baking are antithesis of each other, and that my husband’s expert cooking skills don’t transition well into the baking department just yet!

Then there are those things in a relationship that you kinda know, but you don’t at the same time. These are usually the less tangible things in the relationship. For instance, I kinda think I’m a great wife, but at the same time I’m not really sure….. I try my hardest to be a good wife, but I don’t always succeed. If you’ve read my blog entries, you know that I view marriage as a journey and on that journey, for every 5 steps forward I take, I take 10 backwards….or sometimes I’m stuck in the same spot for a LONG while. In other words, as much as I try to be a good wife in my marriage, I’m not really sure if that comes across…

So when my husband one day said to me in the middle of a conversation, you’re a great wife, I was dumfounded.

Really?  That was my initial response.

Followed by, you think I’m a great wife…why didn’t you ever tell me that???  

I’ve heard I love you, you’re the best or great job before, but I have never heard you’re a great wife. Even if my husband has felt this way all along he’s never come right out and said it…..so to hear these words from his lips for the first time was nothing short of awesome! :)

5 Mar

Realization #57: Put Yourself…2nd!

Posted by Things You Realize After You Get Married in Marriage, Relationships. Tagged: , , , , , , , , .

Does my realization seem counterintuitive to you? Does it go against the norm? Most likely the answer is yes…but read on to see that perhaps this is a concept that can reap benefits in a marriage.

This past weekend I attended a Led Zeppelin concert. Not the actual band, but a really good impersonation of them. Normally I would never willingly attend a Zeppelin concert because it’s not really my kind of music. Sade yes; Zeppelin no. However, my husband is a big fan of Zeppelin’s, so I surprised him with tickets to the next best thing…a really talented rock group playing every Led Zeppelin hit that was ever made.

The concert was what I expected a 70′s rock concert to be like–men with hair longer than mine playing crazy fast solos on their electric guitars, while the lead singer (also with hair longer than mine) belted out melodies that showcased his versatile vocal range. The crowd was quite rowdy (at least compared to the crowds you see at Sade concerts), and I swear I saw some hippies wandering around the lobby area!

Overall, the concert was a good experience. To my husband’s surprise, certain Zeppelin tunes (e.g. Stairway To Heaven and Cashmere) actually started to grow on me!! The highlight for me that evening though, was when I caught my husband from the peripheral of my eye singing along with the band, with a smile plastered on his face. Seeing my husband happy at that moment, actually made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I had done something for my husband–I put him 1st.

I know that society often tells you to put yourself 1st. As a woman, I feel this message is drilled into my head even more so…and I will admit that I try to live by it. I put myself 1st and defend my right as a woman, wife, person (someday mother) to do so. Of course, I do not put myself 1st with the deliberate intention of putting my husband 2nd (which good-intentioned spouse does?!), but inevitably that’s what ends up happening. Bear in mind also, that in some circumstances putting yourself 1st is important, even necessary. This would be for instance, if you are being treated like a second class citizen in your own marriage–but this is not the case with me. My husband puts me 1st…quite often in fact.

So this past weekend, I decided to change things around. I intentionally (yes, I will admit it required a concerted effort on my part) put my husband 1st and myself 2nd. We went to see a Led Zeppelin concert because I knew it would be something he would enjoy more so than I would. He did enjoy it. He was happy and you know what, seeing him happy made me really happy too. :)

Give it a try sometime. Put yourself 2nd in your marriage and see what happens–you may just be pleasantly surprised.

P.S. I apologize to all the Zeppelin fans out there for my very amateurish review of this concert! ;)

18 Jan

Realization #56: Think Happy Thoughts!

Posted by Things You Realize After You Get Married in Marriage, Relationships. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , .

The human mind has a remarkable capability of remembering bad or negative experiences in one’s life. These negative experiences serve as reminders of the past; battle wounds in our journey of life. For instance, I’m sure all of you remember your first serious fight with your significant other, or a particular event that may have caused you to drift further apart from your spouse. At the same time, the human mind also has an amazing capacity to remember good experiences in one’s life. I’m sure all of you can remember your first kiss or a memorable birthday / anniversary with your significant other.

How often  though does the latter get trumped by the former? In other words, how often are we able to recall the bad experiences with our spouse more than those good experiences with our spouse? When you think about your spouse, do you think positive thoughts or negative ones? Do you think of something that shows how much they care or love you, or do you automatically think of ways they hurt you (unintentionally or not)?

Be aware of the kind of thoughts you have about your spouse and work towards having happy thoughts. For instance right now, I am thinking about how my husband took me out last night to a cafe for extremely sweet and frothy drinks and extremely rich and delectable desserts. In other words, he took me to a place, where if on his own he would bypass for a steakhouse! (That’s pretty darn nice if you ask me!) Personally, I’d rather dwell on this positive thought about my husband which puts a smile on my face and makes me think oh-so-sweet thoughts about him, than drumming up things about him that put a frown on my face. You see, I realize now that I have a choice in controlling my thoughts about my husband and my marriage and I’m trying to steer in the positive direction more and more often. You have a choice too; use it to help not hurt your relationship. So think happy thoughts. :D

4 Jan

Realization #55: Make It To Another Wedding Anniversary!

Posted by Things You Realize After You Get Married in Marriage, Relationships. Tagged: , , , , , , , .

I often look towards other married couples as role models for what marriage is (can be) like. I do this, because I believe that there is always room for improvement in anything I do in life; marriage is no exception. So when I come across great advice from other married couples (or words of wisdom as I like to call them), I love to share it or link it on my blog.

Recently, a blogger named Sportsattitudes (don’t let the name fool you–his blog involves a little bit more than just sports!) wrote a great post entitled, Six Ways To Make It To Another Wedding Anniversary. Obviously, given the nature of my own blog, I had to check out his post. Not only that, but given that this was written by a husband who has been married for nearly three decades now, I definitely had to check it out!

Sportsattitudes discusses 6 reasons him and his wife have stood the test of time in their own marriage. I prefer to look at these 6 reasons as 6 goals that every married couple could and should strive for in their own marriage. These 6 goals are to:

  1. See the bigger picture in marriage.
  2. Have the last word…..by apologizing!
  3. Make your spouse and your best friend one in the same person.
  4. Positively reinforce your spouse.
  5. Have ongoing discussions about money.
  6. Laugh…often.

I’m not going to go into detail about these 6 things; you can get the full version by checking out his post here. But I will say that #1, #2 and #4 are so very important and particularly relevant to me. During heated moments, these things seem to slip from my mind, which is why I constantly need to be aware of them and reminded of them. It’s a new year, perhaps you could use the reminder too…

1 Dec

Realization #54: Moods Are Fleeting…

Posted by Things You Realize After You Get Married in Marriage, Relationships. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , .

Moods are fleeting. They really are. One minute you are on cloud nine and feel on top of the world; the next minute you feel as though a bottomless pit swallowed you whole. That’s the way life works and the same goes for marriage too. One minute you feel your spouse is the best thing EVER that you came across in this lifetime, and the next minute you wonder WHAT in the world you found so appealing in them and (taking it one step further), that you married the wrong person!

Such extreme thinking I know….yet most husbands and wives fall prey to it.

You see, when in a logical frame of mind, you know that such extreme thinking is not always good, particularly if it’s in the negative direction. When you are in this extreme state of mind however, it’s a different story. You often don’t realize that your mood and emotions are driving your thoughts. So here’s a simple way to think about it:

Positive mood + positive emotions = positive thoughts about your spouse and marriage

Negative mood + negative emotions = negative thoughts about your spouse and marriage

Positive moods aren’t so much a problem. I personally think there is nothing wrong in overdosing in positive emotions, particularly when it comes to marriage. If you feel extremely good about your spouse and marriage, then enjoy the moment to the fullest….If on the other hand, you feel the opposite happening and you start to question everything about your spouse and your marriage, realize that your frame of mind might be driving your thoughts. Perhaps you had a bad day at work, are stressed or are angry, upset, annoyed and frustrated with our spouse. Perhaps you feel justified in your thoughts because your spouse is doing everything to get you angry, upset, annoyed or frustrated! Whatever the reason may be, realize what is happening. Realize that more than likely, it is your mood that is causing you to have such thoughts. Your mood is driving your perception of your spouse and marriage. In reality, things may actually be fine. Really! (…Sometimes this requires you to step outside of the situation to see it for what it really is.)

And if all else fails and you still see yourself spiralling into doom and gloom thoughts about your situation, remind yourself of this. Moods are fleeting – like most things in life, they too shall pass…

9 Nov

Realization #53: Just Agree…

Posted by Things You Realize After You Get Married in Marriage, Relationships. Tagged: , , , , , , , .

An older married woman once said to me, that if you want to get what you want in a marriage, agree with your husband.

Now of course, when I first heard this comment I initially thought I heard it wrong, or that this woman had said it incorrectly. If I disagree with my husband on a certain issue, in order to eventually get my way, I should agree with him??

It didn’t make sense to me. (And if we’re being perfectly honest here, I’m still trying to wrap my head around it!) Also, as a moderate feminist I had other issues with this advice…you know the obvious, women fought for so long to be treated as equal citizens, and now I shouldn’t state my (differing) opinion if I had one??? That’s a step back!

…So I asked this woman to explain.

She said that when a wife agrees with her husband, it shows that she respects and acknowledges him and his decision. It makes him feel validated…which men love. By doing this, the wife ends up getting what she wants.

To clarify, this is not meant to be used as a manipulative weapon. It defeats the purpose if a wife is doing this with the intention of secretly duping her husband into giving into her. At the same time, a wife doing this with the expectation that it will work in her favor, is still a no-no. I think this only works if the wife is doing it with the good and true intention of understanding her husband’s need to feel validated, respected and acknowledged. This also doesn’t imply that wives don’t need these same things from their husbands, but I think it may be more crucial for men.

Now…being the analytical, logical, reasoning kinda person I am, I persisted in the matter… How does a wife get what she wants, if she agrees with what her husband wants (particularly if it’s different from her).

The response I got…? Trust me, it works for me.

And though I didn’t get the kind of answer that I wanted to get at the end of this discussion, I am still going to give her approach a try. This woman is not a priest, a researcher, or a marriage counsellor, but she does have a solid marriage that has stood the test of time. So if this approach works for her, it might just work for me too! I’ll keep you posted! ;)

17 Oct

Realization #52: The Perfect Spouse…?

Posted by Things You Realize After You Get Married in Marriage, Relationships. Tagged: , , , , , .

Do you remember your dating days? When you were getting to know your spouse? Things seemed perfect. Your spouse seemed perfect to you and you seemed perfect to them. So what happened now that you are married? Why don’t things seem so perfect all the time anymore…?

The reason for this may be due in part to several things. For one thing, I don’t think that your spouse got less  perfect over the years, but rather your perception of them has changed slightly over the years (remember those rose-coloured glasses…). Secondly, life gets in the way. When I say “life”, I mean work, finances, house responsibilities, kids etc. Basically, things that can’t be avoided, that take a toll on your relationship and that were never really present during those dating days. Together, these two things can create situations which lead certain (not all) couples to worry and think the following - my spouse is not so perfect. This is often followed by the typical thought, perhaps my spouse is not the person I thought I married… 

The irony is though, that these two thoughts aren’t necessarily bad. For example, the longer I am married to my husband, the more I realize how not perfect he is. And the longer he stays married to me, the more he realizes how not perfect I am. (I take issue with this second realization, but anyways! :) ) I’ll be honest. This wasn’t an easy thought to come to terms with. But I think its something that’s part of the learning curve that happens as a marriage matures. Furthermore, this thought doesn’t translate into me loving my husband any less or vice versa. On the contrary, true  love comes from being aware of the weaknesses and flaws your spouse has, and loving  them regardless; loving them in spite of their imperfections! Because technically speaking, there really is no such thing as a “perfect spouse”.

7 Oct

Realization #51: Rome Wasn’t Built In A Day!

Posted by Things You Realize After You Get Married in Marriage, Relationships. Tagged: , , , , .

You’re probably reading the title of this post and thinking to yourself, I thought this was a blog about marriage. What does Rome have to do with marriage?

Actually, it has a lot to do with marriage.

The phrase “Rome wasn’t built in a day” literally refers to the fact that Rome wasn’t built in a day! Metaphorically however, it implies that things don’t just happen overnight. Change for instance doesn’t happen overnight. Change in marriage definitely does not happen overnight.  It takes time; sometimes lots and lots of time, which translates into lots and lots of years!

Of course, I know this! But often times I forget, and catch myself making comments to my husband like, “…you said you wouldn’t do x, y, z again!” To which my husband patiently replies, “Babe…Rome wasn’t built in a day.”

Initially, I thought my husband was making an excuse for what happened, but then I remembered two things.

1) My husband is not the kind of person that would do something like that.

2) I do x, y, and z again and again too! In fact, there have been many times when I dutifully promised I wouldn’t say or do something (like that earlier comment,) and then I say and / or do it!

So maybe I should cut my husband some slack when he slips up now and then. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and if my husband is to be likened to Rome, then the same goes for him too. And let’s be honest here, the same goes for me too!

30 Sep

Realization #50: I Love You More Today…

Posted by Things You Realize After You Get Married in Marriage, Relationships. Tagged: , , , , , .

Like most post-brides, my wedding is still very clear in my mind. There are a lot of things I remember about the day; my dress, the cake, the flowers, the food we ate, the music we danced to. I could go on and on… But these things don’t hold as much relevance to me as something else that happened that day. During the church ceremony, our priest gave an awesome sermon about marriage and married life. In particular, he said something that till now has stood out in my mind. He said, “…I hope that 20, 30, 40, even 50 years from now, you can turn to each other and say, I love you more today than I did on our wedding day…”

I don’t think I fully grasped this statement at the time it was said to us. Like most couples on their wedding day, I didn’t think I could love my husband any more than I already did at that moment we were in the church. A year later however and I am starting to understand the significance of those words so much more. You see, these past few weeks have been extremely crazy for me (hence the reason for not posting for this long) and extremely stressful for one reason or another. If it wasn’t for my husband’s support in numerous ways during this time, I think I would have had a really hard time getting by. It’s times like these when I realize that this is what marriage is all about (and then some)!

My husband and I recently celebrated our 1-year wedding anniversary and you know what? I think I do love him more today than I did on our wedding day! :)

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