18 May

Realization #73: He Liked It, So He Put A Ring On It!

Posted by Things You Realize After You Get Married in Humour, Wedding / Post-Wedding. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , .

Do you ever forget sometimes that you are married? I don’t mean in a serious way (i.e. that you forget you are married and then do something to jeopardize your marriage), rather I mean it in a more trivial way. Allow me to elaborate.

There have been times when I “forget” that I am married. Forget in the sense that I do things that I did when I was single that I can’t do anymore, or that just don’t make sense anymore. For example, last month my husband and I and a few friends went to a club. During the usual mixing that happens, the DJ played “Single Ladies” by Beyonce. And of course, all the women in the club did what the song said. They put their hands up when the lyrics were, “All the single ladies..Now put your hands up”. Guess what I did too? Yup, I put my hands up as well! Everyone around me immediately said, “You’re not single! You can’t do that anymore!” Ooops…

The funny thing is even in the car when I hear this song on the radio, I often sing to my husband (while pointing to my ring finger which already has a ring on it), “Cuz if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it. If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it” …(Corny, I know. What can I say, it’s a catchy song and it was my bouquet toss song too!!)… To which my husband rolls his eyes and says “I liked it, so I did put a ring on it!” :D

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Another thing that I can no longer do now that I am married (and this is something I am acutely aware of) is catch the bouquet at weddings. Interestingly, I was always hesitant to go up during the bouquet toss for two reasons: (1) I am a shy person and don’t really like to stand in the centre of the dance floor in front of a huge crowd and, (2) I didn’t want to get scratched by long nails or stepped on by stiletto heels while trying to catch the bouquet. Yet now, the fact that I can no longer even partake in this competition makes me wish I still could! (Isn’t it funny how when you can’t do something, you want to do it even more?)

I have to admit though, that although I am sad that I can’t take part in the bouquet toss anymore, my husband is even sadder that he can’t participate in the garter throw. You see, my husband LOVED to go up when he was single and catch the garter at weddings. In fact, he was one of the most enthusiastic men I’ve ever seen, sliding across the floor in an attempt to catch it. I used to tell myself at the time that it was because my husband really wanted to get married / marry me, but I know now that it was because he just liked the competitiveness of the whole thing. (He really did!) In fact, by the time we got married and it was his turn to toss the garter(s), he had quite an impressive collection! Let’s just say I could have had my something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue with the garters alone! ;)

It still seems surreal to me that I am married and have been married for over two years. This probably sounds odd to you given I have a blog about marriage, but it’s true. However, I have noticed that while I sometimes may “forget” that I am married, more often than not, I forget how long I have been married (and it’s not even that long)! :o …. As wedding season approaches once again though, I get a chance to relive those wedding events — the  bridal shower, the bachelorette and the actual wedding. But you know what? Although part of me wishes I could do it all over again, there is another part of me that is somewhat glad that this time around, I’m on the other side. :) … (I’ll tell you why that is in another post.)

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23 Apr

Realization #72: An Appreciated Spouse = A Happier Spouse!

Posted by Things You Realize After You Get Married in Gratitude. Tagged: , , , , , .

I’ve often heard moms, in particular stay-at-home moms, mention that they aren’t being appreciated enough by their spouses. I’ve also heard countless responses (and read lots of articles) that talk about the importance of being appreciated and what husbands / kids can do to show appreciation for all the things these moms do.

This same advice can be applied in marriage. Husbands and wives should be thankful and appreciative of their spouse—more often. I added the more often part because I bet that most of you reading this are already appreciative of your spouse, but perhaps there’s also room for improvement.  Here’s what I mean.

I’ll admit that I’m not always appreciative of my husband–at least not as much as I could be. For instance, (1) there are days when I tell my husband how much I appreciate him… These are our Leave It To Beaver moments! (2) There are days when I appreciate the things my husband does to make my life easier…but I just don’t tell him that. I’m not sure why. I figure he already knows how I feel anyways. (3) There are days when my husband’s less than desirable qualities overshadow his desirable qualities and I am clearly not appreciative of anything at that moment.

I know I should be doing more of #1! But I don’t. Why? Well, the reasons vary. I may be tired. I may be in a bad mood myself. My husband may be in a bad mood. We may have gotten into an argument. I may just not feel like it because of all of the aforementioned reasons. In other words, I’m human; I act less than an ideal at times. Not a cop-out, just a fact.

But here’s the thing to keep in mind. Everyone needs to feel appreciated. In marriage, this is so, so very important. When one spouse feels under-appreciated, things go awry. And the crazy part is, you may not even realize this until they tell you so. I didn’t even realize this until my husband and I have both alluded to the fact that we didn’t feel appreciated by the other for one reason or another. Of course at this point the listener goes on damage control and tells the speaker that they are in fact appreciated… but I don’t like the idea of responding after-the-fact to things. Like in all areas of my life, I’d rather be proactive (or at least I do my best to be proactive). And proactive means telling my husband how appreciative I am of him so he doesn’t think otherwise (and vice versa). Citing examples of what specifically he does — the little things or the big things — is even better. (It shows I’m not just parroting empty marriage advice.) It’s funny too, to see my husband’s reaction when I do tell him how much I appreciate him, because it catches him off guard at first but then he appreciates me for saying it. It’s a nice feeling. :)

Be proactive in your marriage too! Be appreciative of your spouse. Better yet, tell them how much you appreciate them. Specifically cite examples. I really appreciate when you do _____, or even, Thanks for doing _____. I really appreciate it!  By doing so, you ensure you have a spouse who feels appreciated and who more than likely, will reveal their appreciation of you in return. And remember, an appreciated spouse always makes for a happier spouse! :)

27 Mar

Realization #71: Why Did You Marry ________?

Posted by Things You Realize After You Get Married in Gratitude. Tagged: , , , , , , , .

A long time ago, I wrote about the 80:20 rule. This was one of my earliest posts and interestingly has been the most shared post of this blog to date. To refresh your memory, the 80:20 rule states that you get 80% of what you like / want / need  from your spouse in your relationship, but there is 20% that you don’t get and most likely will never get. For some people, the figures could be 90:10 or even 75:25 — it doesn’t really matter. The point is that you do get most of what you want and need from your spouse.

What can happen overtime though, is that we forget about that 80% we get from our spouse. Or, instead of being grateful for that 80%, we focus on the 20% we don’t get. Many things too can trigger us to fixate on that 20%. For instance, we tend to focus on the 20% when things are challenging and overwhelming in our lives, when we have a difference of opinion on an important issue with our spouse, when our spouse doesn’t act in a way we may like or meet our expectations, and of course, when we are in conflict with our spouse.

But when we fixate on that 20% — the flaws or the inadequacies in our spouse — we miss the 80%. We fail to notice the good stuff because we are so focused on the bad stuff only. Focus is key!

Today, my husband and I came across a really good question when reading one of  the marriage books I have in my collection. The answer(s) to this question even put a fond smile on both of our faces. It reminded me of  qualities I had totally forgotten my husband possessed and that drew me to him. It also reminded me of characteristics I possess that my husband admires and that drew him to me.

If you are struggling to notice that 80% in your spouse, or have forgotten completely what it even is, then let me ask you this same question:

Why did you marry _______ (insert your spouse’s name here)?

Think of 3 things that really made you want to marry your spouse. Share your answers with your spouse. Ask them the same question too. You may be pleasantly surprised at the results. :)

4 Mar

Realization #70: Does Your Marriage Need A Chiropractic Adjustment?

Posted by Things You Realize After You Get Married in Advice, Fighting, Forgiveness. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , .

Which type of couple are you? Are you the couple who is happily floating along in their relationship? The couple who rarely disagrees and rarely argues. Perhaps you are the couple who is swimming against the current all the time. The couple who finds disagreements and arguments a way of life. Or perhaps, you are the couple who falls somewhere in-between. Most of the time you are happily floating along together, but there are still other times when you struggle against a strong current that threatens to pull you under.

Given the comments and emails I’ve received on his blog, I would say there are couples that fall in all three categories. I’m not sure what the spread is like, but I assume that the majority of couples fall in the first group, while a few fall in the latter two groups.  (Vote below to see the results.)

My husband and I used to be in the first group. Now I would say we fall in the third group. Am I reluctant to admit that I fall in the third group? Initially yes. Like most other newlyweds out there, I’d rather relay how great my marriage is all the time more than anything else. However, falling in the third group has turned out to have its own advantages. As you probably already know, I am a firm believer that everything in life happens for a reason. Similarly, everything happens for a reason in your marriage, whether or not you understand what the reasons are.  I’ll admit that the challenges my husband and I faced initially worried me–especially at the time they were happening. I remembered wondering, “uh, not again” or “why is this so difficult at times?” or “why can’t we be like those couples who seem to get along flawlessly?” or “what is wrong with us!” etc.

But after moving past these challenges, here’s what I have come to realize:

  • These challenges have helped me gain clarity and insight on certain issues, where otherwise I wouldn’t have. (Experience does make a difference!)
  • These challenges have taught me things about myself, my husband and our relationship that I was completely oblivious of before.
  • These challenges have taught me what the words for better and for worse really entail.
  • These challenges have made us stronger as a couple. (It’s true what they say–what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.)
  • These challenges have allowed me to differentiate this blog from other marriage blogs– to make it a realistic yet positive blog (yes, those two words can go together) about marriage, and to write posts that also provide a source of comfort, clarity and perseverance for those who are going through challenging times in their own relationship because I know what it can be like.

As I’ve mentioned before, I write about the ups, downs as well as in-betweens of marriage. To me, marriage is wonderful, but can also be challenging and come with a steep learning curve. Just because you experience more challenges than wonderful moments sometimes, is not a sign that you and your spouse are not meant to be together (that seems to be the conclusion that most people jump to). It could however be a sign that there are some things you need to work on and improve in your marriage. In other words, your marriage may be in need a chiropractic adjustment! Nothing wrong with that; everyone needs an adjustment now and then! :) And there are lots of great resources online and offline that can help you out in that respect, so make use of them!

Finally, remember this:

Even great marriages have terrible years, so bad that you’re just tempted to give up. But don’t. Hold on. There will come a time when you’ll look back on this moment as the prelude to something fuller and richer than you’ve ever experienced. 
(From the movie “Hope Springs”)

&

A relationship is like a house. When a light bulb burns out, you do not go out and buy a new house, you change the light bulb.
(Found on “I Love My Husband’s” Facebook page. Link on my Facebook page)
 

Come to think of it, my husband and I, along with other engaged couples were told something similar during our marriage preparation course. Hmmm…

**Update: I recently wrote an article entitled, 5 Signs Your Marriage Needs A Chiropractic Adjustment, which relates perfectly to this post. The article is also on my Facebook page.**

14 Feb

Realization #69: To Celebrate or Not To Celebrate?

Posted by Things You Realize After You Get Married in Dating / Romance. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

Valentine’s Day.

Those two words have meant many different things to me over the course of my life. When I was in elementary school, Valentine’s Day was a fun day when you got to exchange Valentine’s Day cards with your classmates. I remember buying those cute little rectangular cards and picking just the perfect one for each person I gave them too. Some got a card from the Winnie the Pooh stack, while others from the Donald Duck or Mickey / Minnie Mouse stack.

Valentine-Card-Mickey-MouseI remember the excitement too, of coming back to my desk and seeing a pile of Valentine cards waiting for me with my name scrawled across the envelope. It was awesome! To this day I still have all the Valentine’s Day cards I received in elementary school. The cards bring back memories of those days, including the giddiness I felt from receiving a card from the boy I had a crush on in my class!

Fast forward to high school and Valentine’s Day had changed. No longer did 14 year olds give out cute Valentine Day cards. At the most you may get a candy gram, but even that was a long shot because you had to pay $1 for those! (I do remember the odd time however when I did receive a candy gram from one of my friends and that was really sweet.)

Valentine’s Day in high school though, did also remind me of the fact that I did not have a boyfriend (or someone to celebrate Valentine’s Day with), especially since some of my friends already had boyfriends by this point. It was a feeling that I hated having and one, that unbeknownst to me at the time, I would experience for several more year to come! (Yes, university was another four years of being reminded of the same.) The whole “screw Valentine’s Day – let’s go out as single ladies and have fun” was never something my single friends and I did, so that meant Valentine’s Day turned out to be a day when I went home and did my best to avoid all sorts of media coverage of men buying flowers and chocolates for the special ladies in their life or restaurants being booked solid with reservations etc. I came to dislike Valentine’s Day with a capital D, and felt that it was just another way for our consumeristic society to encourage people to spend money on chocolates / candy / flowers / dinner etc.

Then I met my husband a year after university and you know what happens next, right?

I LOVED Valentine’s Day with a capital L! Loved it! I was finally a “couple” and got to partake in all the things I saw other couples do all those prior Valentine’s Day. I got the chocolates, the flowers and the dinner! Every year my husband managed to surprise me and Valentine’s Day was something I now eagerly anticipated!

Last week, my husband and I were watching TV and I said to him, “Valentine’s Day is next week. What did you want to do?” He said, “I don’t know. What did we do last year?” I said, “We made our usual home-made seafood dinner, got dressed up and set the table for three (our cat sits on a chair at the table with us).” “Okay–let’s do that again”, he said. “Okay”, I said. I then added, “…I know Valentine’s Day is a commercialized day and such, but I still like it. And I still want to celebrate it and do something like we always do. You don’t need to stand in a long line at the flower shop and we don’t need to go out to a crowded restaurant, but we should do something like we always have…” 

I realize Valentine’s Day has become very commercialized nowadays, and that in essence it’s just another “day of the week”. I know some people roll their eyes at it if they knew you celebrated it. But all it means is that my husband and I put in a little bit of extra effort to cook a fancier meal, put on some nice clothes (tomato sauce stained and garlic infused shirts kinda take away from the mood) and enjoy a great dining experience in our dining room with yummy food and wine!

You see, my husband and I always did something for Valentine’s Day, so it’s been a tradition of ours since we’ve been together! Why not continue to keep the tradition alive? Why not find another excuse to be romantic, or do something romantic for or with your other-half? Sure you don’t need anyone telling you that you should be romantic today, but for those of you who want to crank up the romance in your relationship, February 14 is the perfect excuse to do so! And while I agree that you should not wait until February 14 to say or do something nice for your spouse, I do feel the day can be used to enhance your relationship. (The pairing of wine and chocolate doesn’t hurt either!)

For me personally, Valentine’s Day has become yet another day to kick up the romance in my marriage, and when opportunities like that arise, I will definitely take them up! I’m a hopeless romantic, what can I say?  You know what the best part about this is though?… My husband and I do all this on the cheap — we have a mortgage and bills to pay now — without it ever seeming that way. That in itself, is reason enough to celebrate! :)

Happy Valentine’s Day Everyone!

24 Jan

Realization #68: Keep The Simple Moments Going

Posted by Things You Realize After You Get Married in Dating / Romance. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , .

One night in the dead of winter, when my husband and I were still dating, we were bored and decided to go for a drive. We bundled up (it must have been -15C or 5F outside), put some hot chocolate in a thermos, brought some actual chocolate for munching, got into his 1993 clunker van (even though the year was 2008) and hit the road. We had no idea where we were going and we had no GPS. Given that my husband possesses an internal GPS like most men I know, I wasn’t so worried. We drove East and then North. The temperature kept dropping the further North we drove and the roads were often unpaved and gravelly. Because these were undeveloped areas we were driving through (so very rare to find when you live in a city), it felt like we were driving somewhere really far from home. I didn’t know what I was more afraid of. Us driving right into a snowstorm, or our van breaking down somewhere along the way! It was one of those moments that was scary but exciting, because it felt like we were on an adventure!

Fast forward to 2 weeks ago. My husband and I were on a shopping trip and needed to get an item for our house. It turns out that none of the stores in our area sold this particular item in the size and color we needed. The only store that did was 1 hour away.

…So we decided to go to the store 1 hour away.

It was silly to drive all that way just to get that 1 item we were looking for. It probably cost us more on gas to drive there, than it would had we just bought another similar item from a local store. Nonetheless, I’m glad we did because what was potentially a trivial, boring household shopping trip turned into a fun adventure. We stopped off home first and ate some leftovers before piling into our now 2003 van (we upgraded 10 years, but were still 10 years behind!) and hit the road. We knew where we were going, but on the way back we took a longer, more scenic detour route. I loved every minute of it and it reminded me of that cold, dreary winter night drive so many years ago. The funny thing too, is that during the drive my husband turned to me and asked , “isn’t this fun? Like the drive we took many years ago?”  He still remembered!

It’s amazing how the simplest little things in a relationship can create a long-lasting memory, and can make for a memorable afternoon several years later and most likely in the future too. So keep the simple moments going in your marriage. Whatever they may be (and even as silly as they may seem to anyone outside the relationship–see my earlier comment about gas), these moments connect you as a couple and that connection will only serve to strengthen your relationship with each other down the road! :)

31 Dec

Realization #67: In The Bigger Scheme of Things, Will This Really Matter?

Posted by Things You Realize After You Get Married in Advice, Self-Improvement. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , .

When I am writing a post, I sometimes feel as though that post will be the last good idea I will ever have to write about. Because my blog topic is very specific, I am limited in what I can write…which isn’t necessarily a bad thing if I had an endless stream of ideas. I don’t.

The other day though, a reader whose blog I follow, and who I’m glad to have met over the blogosphere, suggested that I write about even the “teeny unimportant things in marriage”, not just the big revelations. And I believe this is a great idea because sometimes, it is the trivial things that can teach you a lot about your relationship, yourself or just life in general. Sometimes these trivial things can even lead to bigger revelations down the road.

Take for instance that fact that I am a planner by nature and leave nothing to the last minute. And naturally, planners tend to (this is speculation on my part –  I don’t have any stats to back up my claim here) end up with non-planners. At least this is what I’ve noticed from the couples in my life. I sometimes wonder if this is because two planners in a relationship would drive each other insane. After all, planners tend to like to do things on their own and in a way that suits them best. This means then, that a relationship between a planner and a non-planner should be a harmonious one (most of the time). A yin to a yang, right?

Of course, it’s hard to agree with this assertion when your other half’s yin doesn’t gel with your yang, but trust me, in the long run this difference actually works to your benefit. In fact, I’ve seen it play out beautifully in so many relationships in my life. For instance, I’ve noticed how the couples in my life, married or not, work together given this obvious difference. Although the non-planner half may complain about the planner’s insistence on planning things in advance, organizing things at the time or doing things a certain way, they also at the same time respect and even admire these very qualities. Because for instance, it can allow for a stress-free or worry free Christmas party. On the flip side, planners also appreciate their go-with-the-flow counterparts who keep them from losing their cool when things don’t go as planned before or even during an event. At times like these, I am SO glad for my husband who keeps me sane and reminds me that whatever it is that is happening, in the bigger scheme of things, this is not a big deal. Really babe, it isn’t, my husband often says to me… several times!

And you know what? He’s absolutely right! This is something we should all remind ourselves of, planners and non-planners alike, in every aspect of our lives, and especially in marriage. Every time something gets to you, gets under your skin and really makes you twitch, ask yourself, in the bigger scheme of things, will this really matter?

This is the way I see it. A New Year will be upon us soon, and I’m thinking that most of the things we complain about or that drive us up the wall in our relationship, in the bigger scheme of things really aren’t that big of a deal! So why not start your marriage in 2013 with a fresh slate. After all, life is too short to be dwelling on the pointless things of 2012 that really didn’t do much for you, your other half or your relationship!

Merry (Belated) Christmas & Happy New Year everyone! :)

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